Giant Fish Discoverd in Scajaquada; Local Man Falls Victim
Eric Ortner
North Buffalo Rocket / West Side Times
The scene at Scajaquada Creek as a North Buffalo resident falls victim to an environmental atrocity. photo: Eric OrtnerApril 1st, 2000: A bizarre twist of events has left a North Buffalo resident in critical condition at ECMC. On Satur-day, March 23, Jonah Schlemiel was fly-fishing on Scajaquada Creek when he reeled in the big one. A 25 foot mutated sea bass took Mr. Schlemiel’s bait, hook and sinker along with his rod and head.
Jonah was fortunate, though, because a group of juveniles were nearby throwing shopping carts in the stream and noticed the incident. John Spendthrift said, “When I saw the fish jump out of the water and pull that guy in there, I knew he was in trouble, so I ran and called 911.”
When the ambulance arrived, the paramedics were unable to free Jonah Schlemiel from the fish’s tight jaws. Eventually, the fire department arrived, and the Jaws of Life were successfully implemented. Firefighter Joseph Burns commented, “I never had to use that thing on anything but a car before, quite an experience.” The fish died in the process of its removal, but fortunately, Jonah Schlemiel survived. He was rushed to ECMC where he was treated for multiple lacerations to the head and shoulders. The nurses have reported that it will be a while before Mr. Schlemiel will be able to go out in public. Not so much from the injuries, but because they can’t get the fish smell off of him.
A local house painter named Will Sherwin was busy cleaning out his brushes a little ways upstream and noticed the ambulance and ensuing commotion. He was amazed at the size of the fish. Mr. Sherwin said, “I’m surprised there were even any fish in this stream, let alone one this big! I mean most of the streams that I dump paint-thinner in are fishless for quite some time.”
Mrs. Schlemiel was contacted about the incident and arrived on the scene almost immediately. She was terribly shaken up about the whole situation. She hysterically commented, “I told him that I wanted him to stop fishing so much and spend more time with me. I mean, I was so tired of cleaning and scaling all of the filthy fish he brought home. But I never wanted this to happen.”
The police asked Mrs. Schlemiel if her husband had ever brought a fish home like this before, but she was too upset to respond. The police fear that there may be other fish in the Scajaquada Creek similar to the one that attacked Mr. Schlemiel. Therefore, the local detectives are concerned for the safety of children that play nearby the stream. Mr. Schlemiel was too much for the fish to swallow. However, a smaller child might make a delightful treat for these mutated monsters.
It is unclear where this species of fish came from. A Delta District detective ventured the opinion that this fish could have been the driver of a Corvette, which was discovered in the stream on Thursday morning. His coworkers were quick to dismiss this opinion believing that the driver of that Corvette had already been found.
After the Fish was removed from Mr. Schlemiel’s head, its carcass was taken to UB for further study. Although the final report is not complete, UB Biologist, Dr. Donald Byrdbrain has released a few of his findings. He said, “I believe the fish is distantly related to the scorpion fish species. These fish typically do not grow very large. However, this particular specimen was well fed in Scajaquada Creek on a diet of cigarette butts, empty liquor bottles, your occasional toxic chemical and even some human excrement.” Dr. Byrdbrain concluded, “That may have been what caused this fish to try and eat Mr. Schlemiel.”
Dr. Byrdbrain further speculated that Scajaquada Creek's ecosystem is in such disarray, that the fish may simply be a side effect of some twisted chemical interaction. Dr. Byrdbrain believes the raised temperatures of global warming may have been the catalyst for this chemical reaction.
Dr. Byrdbrain’s findings are expected to be fully released on Saturday, April 1st. Until then, it is probably a good idea to stay clear of Scajaquada Creek.
